Balancing Act

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Tanja

I am such an all or nothing, black or white, yes or no, kind of person that “balance” is definitely a trait I have to work at achieving. Shortly after starting this blog I was asked to teach an early morning (6:00-6:50 AM) seminary class (Old Testament) for teenagers. While the class itself is the best part of my day, studying and preparing the lessons has eaten up large amounts of my time.  As a result, I have been amiss in writing my blog.

I am struggling to allocate time for work, study, teaching, play, writing, blogging, and of course, weight loss and exercise. While I let my blog go unattended, I also let my food consumption go awry and consequently have re-found the pounds I had lost and added a few more.

While trying to create balance in my life to get done all I need to do, I am also experiencing some stress inducing situations. My boss (who owns the company) is fighting pancreatic cancer. It was an added blow when Steve Jobs passed away this week as we used that as a marker: “Steve Jobs has survived 7 years…”

Additionally, our son is reaping the consequences of some bad choices he made and is looking to his girlfriend, my husband and I to help fix it all for him. It is difficult to stand back and make him figure out his own plan for change.

I hate to admit it, but I used these situations as permission to go on a chocolate binge—for over a month! How could I be expected to give up massive amounts of chocolate—my “go to” food when I am stressed—with my life so out of control? And since I didn’t have time to write my blog, there was no accountability to keep me moving forward in a positive manner. 

Each day I would say, “I’m going to get back on track on Friday—no Monday; maybe over the weekend.” “I will absolutely be back on a food plan by the first of the month; by the second week; before September is over.” The deadline just kept moving and so finally, here I am on October 10th, writing and recommitting myself to lose weight.

The major issue in learning to balance for me is putting myself as a priority on my “to do” list. It is important to my physical and emotional well-being that I take care of myself by eating more balanced meals and making time for some physical exercise. Today I have balance in my life: time for family, time for study, time for teaching, time for work, time for writing, time for losing weight, time for fun, time for change.

Thank you to the many who have visited my blog while I was on “hiatus” and continue to come back.

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Two Weddings and a Funeral

Posted on August 8, 2011 by Tanja

We were invited to two weddings this past weekend and I am proud to say I successfully avoided the cake. This is huge progress for me since moist white wedding is my favorite flavor of cake.

At the second reception they had individual cupcakes from a bakery I know all too well. I heard them calling “Tanja, come over here and eat us! You know we taste so delicious and you love our icing; just have a bite. We’re here for you, Tanja. Come and get us—have a couple.”

I did not respond to the cake; partly because I don’t usually converse with cake, but mostly because I didn’t want to explain to those around me why I was having a conversation with cake. Instead, we slipped out early.

I encouraged myself over and over with the fact that no matter how slowly I savored the cake, it would all be gone in about 10 minutes and I would live with the consequences much longer.

That is a frequent conversation I am having with myself lately. I calculate how long I can stretch out eating some Hershey’s chocolate or other treat that is calling out to me, and then I decide if the 5, 10, or 20 minutes of bliss is really worth the calories and potential weight gain. More and more often I walk away without it. That is empowering; I am learning to say “No!” to binge food. Instead of my own “death by chocolate” I may hold a funeral for Hershey’s Kisses.

This morning when I weighed in, I was very proud of myself: I have Lightened Up 11 pounds in 2 weeks! That is much more satisfying than a cupcake.

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Inner Power Source

Posted on August 6, 2011 by Tanja

I ran into a friend I had not seen in a couple of months. She looked at me and said, “You must be feeling good, you’re radiant.” I’ve heard it said that people who are happy with their lives glow; apparently, I am glowing. I know I am feeling happier than I have in a long time.

I shared with my friend the secret to my recent success:  “I started a blog and am writing about my personal journey to Lighten Up physically and emotionally.” We sat and chatted about the discoveries and changes I am making. When I walked away, I felt physically lighter. I realized I am finding my inner power and making decisions that give me confidence and pride in myself.

I sometimes think power and authority are things that others give us, but the truth is it is within us and we just have to discover and own it. For me, powerlessness is a lack of faith and confidence in my ability to take care of me. It is giving others the power to determine how I feel about myself.

When I was a teenager, if someone made fun of my weight, it hurt my feelings and I felt worthless. It negated my talents and accomplishments. It turned off the light inside that we are all born with. I see now that I allowed myself to feel that way. No one can “make” me feel bad. I decide how I will react to others’ words and actions. I alone have the power to choose.

Glee's Lauren Zizes

Glee's Lauren Zizes

I am inspired by the overweight Lauren Zizes character on the television series Glee who owns her inner power. She feels sexy and has the school bad boy chasing after her. She doesn’t let others’ opinions or judgments hold her back. She decides how she feels and what she will do. Consequently, she is magnetic and powerful.

Oprah once said, “When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fall.”

I like that statement. I am radiant and feeling powerful because I have set a goal to Lighten Up and I am; I am lightening physically and emotionally and it feels so good. And others are noticing.

I may have days where I stumble, but I can pick myself up and keep moving forward because I am learning to own my inner power.

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I Love You

Posted on August 3, 2011 by Tanja

I remember the first time my friend Barbara said “love you” as she ended our phone call. I was suddenly tongue tied and said nothing but that stuck with me. Since then, I have learned to say “love you” to her and mean it.

My husband is good at saying “love you”. In the family I grew up in, I knew I was loved but we did not say the words. When my husband and I adopted our son Cory, we made a conscious effort to tell him out loud that we love him. I remember shortly after we adopted him, he was at the pool and he sent me a text message that read “love you.” I nearly collapsed. Those two words meant so much to me, his new mom. Since then we conclude all our phone conversations with “love you”.

It was not easy for me to learn to say the words “love you” or “I love you” out loud. I was actually afraid and had a difficult time speaking them. It was like learning a foreign language. You hear the words in your head, but you have a difficult time pushing them out of your mouth to be heard—and judged.

Part of my journey to Lighten Up is to learn to love myself—to express in every choice I make that “I love Tanja”. That is tough to even type. It means I accept me as I am, today, right now, in this moment (and not what I was or wish I could be). It means I respect myself enough to take care of me and that I have unconditional acceptance of who I am right now. That is a lot to ask, but I am learning how to turn off the recordings that say “I am not good enough because I am fat,” “I am a failure because I am fat,” “I don’t deserve to be loved and accepted because I am fat”.

Today I am making a list of all the things I like and respect about myself, including my talents and skills. I am asking my husband and friends to chime in and help me round out the list by pointing out traits I overlook. I won’t list them all here because I don’t want to sound egotistical. That is not what this exercise is about. It is about me learning it is okay to recognize and appreciate myself for who I am today. Seriously, that is so much easier to type than it is to say and feel. Here I go…

“Tanja, I love you.”

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Self Love and Care

Posted on August 2, 2011 by Tanja

Mona, my therapist, is trying to teach me how to love and care for myself. This will sound ridiculous to some, that I am paying someone to help me learn something that should be instinctive, but I am. And even though I am self-absorbed and self-centered, those characteristics do not translate, for me, into feeding nourishing meals and water to my body or giving myself time to be still and listen to my inner voice. Hence, I am being educated in how to take care of Tanja.

The Stress Free Me

One day Mona asked me to find a photograph of myself as a young child, when I seemed to have no worries or stress in my life. In the photograph I selected, I am about 2 years old, wearing a dress and my older brother’s army helmet (I am not sure if I am making a fashion statement or if it is protective headgear). I am playing in a sand pile with my mom watching over me. I know I was joyful at that age; my days were filled with playing, discovering, eating when hungry and sleeping when tired. How fabulous is a day’s agenda filled with those activities?

Mona had me look at the photograph and imagine how she (my child-self) needs to be taken care of. She needs someone to be her advocate and to love her. She is too little and young to make it all alone—she needs help and guidance.

I am not sure I completely comprehend how to use the photograph in learning how to love and care for myself, but I do sometimes think of the young and innocent me and how she needed to be nurtured and protected. I wish someone had told her she could be whatever she wanted to be. I wish someone had encouraged her on the path she wanted to take and had helped her understand the stepping stones to getting there. I wish someone had taught her that food does not equal love in any equation and that it is for fuel and energy, not a medicine to cure hurt feelings and loneliness. I wish someone had loved me enough to tell me the truth. I wish I had been willing to hear it.

Today I am trying to care about myself enough to stop eating when I hit my calorie limit and to slowly incorporate more exercise and drinking water into my life. My younger, carefree Tanja needs someone to teach her that Hershey’s chocolate Kisses may give her momentary pleasure, but they will never provide lasting happiness, and they will always bring weight gain when you eat an entire package in one sitting. The only one who can truly teach her is me, the older (and wiser?), Tanja.

What tips do you have for learning to love and care for yourself?

Two websites I found with lots of helpful information about learning to love herself are: www.abundancetapestry.com/how-to-love-yourself-in-17-ways/ and

www.intuitivejournal.com/learning-to-love-yourself/.

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Me Time

Posted on August 1, 2011 by Tanja

Today is my first day back at work after taking a week’s vacation. For those of you who read my “Vacation Guilt Syndrome” blog you know I rarely use my alloted vacation days. This year I decided on the spur of the moment to use one of my allotted weeks for some “me time”.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time away, starting my blog, getting my head tuned back in to eating less and exercising more. I especially love the way I feel after giving myself time to write again. It has been a few years since the last book I wrote and I did not realize how much I missed writing. I often forget to make time in my days to have quiet moments where I can be with my thoughts and create.

I was feeling very stressed at work; my boss (and friend) has pancreatic cancer and so I am running the office without her guidance and presence. She used to call me every morning at 7:00 am to discuss our pending deals and share creative ideas (I arrive early because it gives me more time to speak with our European partners before their day is over). I miss those calls; I miss her friendship and energy. I feel stressed not knowing the whole truth of how she is doing and what will become of the company (and my position) if anything happens to her.

Added to the work concerns is our twenty year old son who is going through some serious challenges, that are sadly a result of his bad decisions, but no less stressful to him and us, his parents.

I have also been feeling discouraged about my weight gain. My therapist reminds me that I lost the weight before and so I have proved I can do it, but sometimes I wonder if I can. Do any of you ever question if you can really lose the weight, again?

With all the anxiety in my life, it was energizing for me to take some time away from work and focus on me. I will never lose unused vacation days again—the change in the way I feel, having taken a week for me, is indescribable. I am especially proud that I started my LightenUpBlog. I feel I accomplished something, learning how get a domain name and set up a blog (and I’m still discovering how to add additional functions on my site). Documenting my food, exercise and weight is helping me stay on plan. What a wonderful gift “me time” is to myself.

“Me time” means I matter to me. I am important to me. I count. Those are feelings I rarely have—I usually forget to or discount taking time to take care of me. This is another Lighten Up moment for me.

I think I’ll write about love tomorrow…

You, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love. –Author Unknown

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Learning to Say “No”

Posted on July 31, 2011 by Tanja

I am learning to be a girl who can say “no”.

Today is my anniversary. Instead of having a celebratory meal or dessert I am marking the occasion by just spending time with my spouse. Celebrating without a food treat is huge progress for me. I haven’t been “perfect” is saying “no,” I did have 12 mini Tootsie Rolls, but I stopped at 12 (280 calories) instead of eating the entire bag.

I’ll post more about my journey to Lighten Up physically and emotionally tomorrow. Hope you all have a fabulous Sunday.

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New Rules

Posted on July 30, 2011 by Tanja

I have a confession: I’m more than a little obsessive compulsive. As you come to know me you will laugh at that statement because my life is a case study in obsessive compulsive behavior. Not surprisingly, I am also a rules person. I like life to have organization and structure. Rules define how a game is played. Rules provide safety. In a civilized society they outline what is expected of us. As individuals, they give us a measuring stick to ascertain how we are doing. I like that about rules. (I am also a compulsive list maker and goal setter.)

As you might have guessed by now, I have rules about dieting and exercise. Diets (or food plans, way of life, whatever you want to call them) and exercise must be started on Monday morning. I really prefer it to be the first of the month, and January 1 of any year is a bonus. I really don’t understand starting something midweek. If I fall off my plan midday, it is license to eat whatever I want the rest of the day. I cannot wrap my head around eating some chocolate or other binge food midway through the day and not accepting that as permission to eat whatever I want for the rest of the day. I can’t just restart midday. That’s heresy!

Don’t even get me started on the rules for eating the entire bag of Hershey’s Kisses or finishing the pint of gelato in one sitting—you can’t leave those things for the next day because the rules clearly state you need a fresh start in the morning. Leaving those foods unfinished guarantees you will eat them again tomorrow.

One day I was explaining this system of rules to my therapist and she asked me “Who makes these rules?”

I pondered this question and after some time replied, “I guess I do.”

“Exactly!” she exclaimed. “And since you make the rules, you can make different ones.”

This was truly a light bulb moment for me. “You mean I can make a rule to have 3 Hershey’s Kisses everyday and that will be enough and I can go on with my life? I don’t have to finish the entire bag?”

“Yes,” she said.

“Do you mean I can exercise on Tuesday and Friday and just skip out on the rest of the week?”

“Yes,” she said.

I went on like this for longer than you want to read about. “I make the rules!” became my mantra. “I can go to the gym after work instead of first thing in the morning because I make the rules!” “I can take a piece of cheese or a bag of grapes to the movies and eat them instead of popcorn (which used to require me to finish the entire big bag before leaving the theatre; oh, and I had to eat it with Milk Duds) because I make the rules!”

I can rewrite the rules any time I want and by doing so, I keep the rules and feel good about that. It is a liberating concept. It has also taught me that some days I just need to lighten up on the rule making.

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Fear and Clothing

Posted on July 29, 2011 by Tanja

When asked what my favorite color is I answer without reservation “black”, of course. Black is my go-to color. Look inside my closet and you will see black tops, skirts and trousers, black jeans, black jackets and cardigans, 41 pairs of black shoes; my wardrobe is nearly all black. I love black. Everyone looks good in black. It flatters every figure and camouflages a multitude of flaws. It is sophisticated and elegant, yet it can also be sporty and casual. Black is always in style. And, it’s slimming.

Fashion experts are always telling us we need a “little black dress” in our wardrobe. A good pair of black pumps, black jeans, a black leather jacket, and a black blazer or cardigan is also essential.

Wearing black makes me feel more confident. I am comfortable in black. It is my favorite color.

I knew someday, when I was thinner, I would introduce color into my wardrobe. In my mind, colorful clothing is reserved for thin people. Which makes it hard for me to understand why, lately, I have experienced an urge to purchase colorful tops and sweaters.

I think it started with a white blouse (underneath a black cardigan, of course). Then one day I saw a chartreuse blouse that spoke to me and after much encouragement from my husband, I purchased it. The first time I wore it (with black jeans), I asked him a least at thousand times how I looked—“It’s not black,” I pointed out, “are you sure I look okay?”

“Yes, you look really good in it.”

“What if people make fun of me because I look ugly in this outfit?” I asked.

“You’re not ugly. No one will make fun of you—you look really nice.”

Surprisingly to me, no one made fun of me. In fact, several people complimented me on how good the color looked with my bright red hair. I asked a couple of friends, “You don’t think it makes me look even fatter?” They assured me it did not. They may have lied, but since then, I have started to introduce more and more color into my wardrobe. In fact, today, I’m wearing a pink linen shirt.

My four girls and Me (I'm the one in pink!)

What I have learned from this coloring my wardrobe exercise is color can be fun and break up the routine of all black. I also see that it was just one more experience I was denying myself until I was thinner. I need to learn to enjoy my life today, instead of making lists of things I will do once I am at a more perfect weight, like wearing a pink shirt (even if it is with black jeans).

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A Pint of Talenti Gelato

Posted on July 28, 2011 by Tanja

Yesterday I had a craving for a pint of Tahitian vanilla bean or Belgian milk chocolate Talenti gelato. I love to savor the entire pint in one sitting—doesn’t everyone? Apparently not; my husband, who is thin, eats a little and puts it back in the freezer. He can actually stretch a pint out for over a week. After years of marriage there are still things I don’t understand about him. I eat a few bites and cannot stop until nothing is left.

 

I was actually contemplating buying not one, but a couple of pints (880 calories per pint if you’re counting) and going home and eating—no, savoring them. Since I am a former bulimic, the thought immediately came to mind that I could just eat them and throw them up. No harm, no foul; I wouldn’t have to document or pay the price of eating them. At times I am a little like those people who are not sorry they did something wrong, they are only sorry they got caught.

It is obvious I have not fully internalized the concept of consequences when it comes to what I eat and how much I eat, because I am often surprised at the weight I have gained. “How did I get this fat? When did this happen?” I ask myself when looking at the obese woman in the mirror.

I never seem to connect that the amount and type of food I eat makes me fat. On a conscious level I know it is true, but somewhere in my subconscious the fact is lost on me. Growing up, my mother was always putting me on some diet or exercise plan. I felt it was a punishment for not being good enough and never made the connection that it would free me from the burden of weight I was carrying around.

Today I am trying to learn that if I choose to eat less and move more, the consequence of my actions will be a lighter me. That’s what I want: is to lighten up on myself.

By the way: I did not buy the Gelato. Instead, I went for a twenty minute walk at the mall.

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